angelito
Network Breaker
Divine
LEVEL 1
300 XP
This is a long read.... Please delete this post if it's inappropriate. Feel free to bash me. This is my first time posting something like this in my whole life. I just can't take it and want to share it with you.
Am I evil?
I'm an adopted child. The family who adopted me is fine. I'm more comfortable with grandparents than my mom because I mostly grew up with them. My mom works miles from my home, so we didn't see each other constantly.
I don't know what went wrong in my life. I suddenly became anxious about nothing. At the age of 13, I feel like something's wrong with my body. One day, I suddenly had difficulty in breathing when I'm lying in the bed.
I noticed some lumps on my body, I searched on google, and they said it can be cancer. I was so stressed that that age. Furthermore, I asked my mom about it and we went to the hospital together. I was diagnosed with recurrent sinusitis, my mom didn't believe it and we went to another hospital. It turns out that I was fine, but my body says no. My mom was really stubborn. He thinks I'm okay, but I'm really not okay. From that year until today, I still have phlegm/cold discharge constantly every day. I get used to it.
I had a really frail body. My body never changes. My height is 4'11 and my weight is 88 pounds I always had gas in my stomach and always burping with the same symptoms 10 years ago. I get used to everything. I got shingles before, I have dry skin right now. I want to be successful, at least in my life because I feel like I'm dying soon.
8 years ago, I posted a question in yahoo answers about java because I sucked at it. It's about or final project. Someone answers my question and asked me to email him if I want more questions. We became friends, and he even sent me money, I told him that I was a girl, so I can ask for more money, but It didn't really work. I know that's bad, It turns out that he is not into women. I eventually confessed that I'm a guy and I sent my real picture to him. He just wants to help. His religion is Mormon and that's their belief. We talk constantly. He helps me reduce my stress and learn how to speak basic English. He's like a father to me, I treated him like my father. I even call him dad and he calls me son. He said He loves me, and I said I love him.
He used to rant about his wife being bossy and his kids are not visiting him. I would love to visit him If I'm near, but he lives in a different country. He is also stressed in life, he told me that he had many breakdowns and tried to end his life a couple of times. I can see it in his face, so I always comforted him and talk for 1-2 hours. It's like a routine to me to check on him because he said that his kids are not checking on him. I was happy when we were talking, though sometimes I can't understand it because he talks about the US government.
He invested me in a computer, He sent me money to buy a computer, so I can learn to program again. He said pay it forward, and I don't have to pay for it. So I started learning again, but programming is not for everyone. I had to learn many things in order to fit into the current standards. I feel down, and I don't have food, he told me to go to Mormon church, and they gave free food there, but I'm not a church person. Likewise, I lied to him that I went to church because I want to make him feel better. I know, I'm horrible and evil. I'm all alone now, I got nothing to lose, I don't have siblings. I have a mother, but we are not on good terms.
Finally, last April, I asked him if he can invest in building a crypto mining rig and I will send him some money for every payout, he said he can't send money right now then I got a call. It's a 5 mins conversation and I forgot most of it because I have a very poor memory. He told me to take care, and we are all brothers and sisters. Then I found out that he died. It's only hours after the call. I was so sad. I'm down. I'm blaming myself for what happened to him, I didn't see his call sometimes because I'm busy with how I can make money. If I could just answer one of those calls, then maybe things will be different. I saw in his family FB post that he suddenly died due to drowning. I miss him. I'm blaming myself for this. I'm a greedy bastard. A mining rig? f*ck. I know. I deserve to die, and I'm not scared to die anymore because he is gone too.
I guess I'm really evil. I got flashes in my head every time I see a knife or any pointy objects, Imagining stabbing someone, but I'm forcing myself not to do it and slap my head and just shake my head hard.
ps: I'm sorry for my English. I'm not good at it.
Am I evil?
I'm an adopted child. The family who adopted me is fine. I'm more comfortable with grandparents than my mom because I mostly grew up with them. My mom works miles from my home, so we didn't see each other constantly.
I don't know what went wrong in my life. I suddenly became anxious about nothing. At the age of 13, I feel like something's wrong with my body. One day, I suddenly had difficulty in breathing when I'm lying in the bed.
I noticed some lumps on my body, I searched on google, and they said it can be cancer. I was so stressed that that age. Furthermore, I asked my mom about it and we went to the hospital together. I was diagnosed with recurrent sinusitis, my mom didn't believe it and we went to another hospital. It turns out that I was fine, but my body says no. My mom was really stubborn. He thinks I'm okay, but I'm really not okay. From that year until today, I still have phlegm/cold discharge constantly every day. I get used to it.
I had a really frail body. My body never changes. My height is 4'11 and my weight is 88 pounds I always had gas in my stomach and always burping with the same symptoms 10 years ago. I get used to everything. I got shingles before, I have dry skin right now. I want to be successful, at least in my life because I feel like I'm dying soon.
8 years ago, I posted a question in yahoo answers about java because I sucked at it. It's about or final project. Someone answers my question and asked me to email him if I want more questions. We became friends, and he even sent me money, I told him that I was a girl, so I can ask for more money, but It didn't really work. I know that's bad, It turns out that he is not into women. I eventually confessed that I'm a guy and I sent my real picture to him. He just wants to help. His religion is Mormon and that's their belief. We talk constantly. He helps me reduce my stress and learn how to speak basic English. He's like a father to me, I treated him like my father. I even call him dad and he calls me son. He said He loves me, and I said I love him.
He used to rant about his wife being bossy and his kids are not visiting him. I would love to visit him If I'm near, but he lives in a different country. He is also stressed in life, he told me that he had many breakdowns and tried to end his life a couple of times. I can see it in his face, so I always comforted him and talk for 1-2 hours. It's like a routine to me to check on him because he said that his kids are not checking on him. I was happy when we were talking, though sometimes I can't understand it because he talks about the US government.
He invested me in a computer, He sent me money to buy a computer, so I can learn to program again. He said pay it forward, and I don't have to pay for it. So I started learning again, but programming is not for everyone. I had to learn many things in order to fit into the current standards. I feel down, and I don't have food, he told me to go to Mormon church, and they gave free food there, but I'm not a church person. Likewise, I lied to him that I went to church because I want to make him feel better. I know, I'm horrible and evil. I'm all alone now, I got nothing to lose, I don't have siblings. I have a mother, but we are not on good terms.
Finally, last April, I asked him if he can invest in building a crypto mining rig and I will send him some money for every payout, he said he can't send money right now then I got a call. It's a 5 mins conversation and I forgot most of it because I have a very poor memory. He told me to take care, and we are all brothers and sisters. Then I found out that he died. It's only hours after the call. I was so sad. I'm down. I'm blaming myself for what happened to him, I didn't see his call sometimes because I'm busy with how I can make money. If I could just answer one of those calls, then maybe things will be different. I saw in his family FB post that he suddenly died due to drowning. I miss him. I'm blaming myself for this. I'm a greedy bastard. A mining rig? f*ck. I know. I deserve to die, and I'm not scared to die anymore because he is gone too.
I guess I'm really evil. I got flashes in my head every time I see a knife or any pointy objects, Imagining stabbing someone, but I'm forcing myself not to do it and slap my head and just shake my head hard.
ps: I'm sorry for my English. I'm not good at it.