libbanibba
Custom Compiler Engineer
2
MONTHS
2 2 MONTHS OF SERVICE
LEVEL 1
200 XP
I keep drifting in and out of present awareness and i find myself so frequently in a place i don't wanna be - so i ask myself with was i doing just before this moment - it's to blame and sure enough i find it's something unhealthy.
I'm just so mad y'know - I attack myself in my thoughts saying - you should've had a system in place to prevent this from happening - then i rack my brain to find some information I've obtained at some point in my life that could be the missing piece to this puzzle and i come up empty - then i find myself looking out into the vast world of knowledge and it seems dark and empty and hopeless...and i don't even wanna try to find it - i know sometimes i get lucky and it's honestly always so unexpected - sometimes i feel like im a fucking blind person feelinga round on the ground for pennies when it comes to figuring things out...but there's never any confidence i'll find a penny, just hope...and determination...and those two roads hope and determination can be slow travelled, nerve wracking, anxiety inducing tumultuous experiences....not to be dramatic.
I'm just constantly upset at my decisions in life and wishing things would be better (when im in this state) and im telling myself right now as i type this, you should go get some water, it's just a state of mind, one day you'll invent a system of self care that minimizes these experiences and have back up's in place to pull you out of them when they DO happen maybe, im hopeful for this to happen but fricken right now it's happening and im miserable, i have a whole life of new - better choices to make that needs doing and it's gonna be a long road to travel...that will take time and there are no guarantee's or assurances, it's a gamble it feels to me. Idk im just rambling because i feel like shit.
I want out of this feeling, i hate this feeling so much, im desperate, i have all of these horrible thoughts, anger inducing, pain, dark thoughts when im like this...i feel hopeless and like i can't escape, everything's going wrong, nothing's going right, i have no one to be here for me, im in a really dark hole right now mentally
I'm just so mad y'know - I attack myself in my thoughts saying - you should've had a system in place to prevent this from happening - then i rack my brain to find some information I've obtained at some point in my life that could be the missing piece to this puzzle and i come up empty - then i find myself looking out into the vast world of knowledge and it seems dark and empty and hopeless...and i don't even wanna try to find it - i know sometimes i get lucky and it's honestly always so unexpected - sometimes i feel like im a fucking blind person feelinga round on the ground for pennies when it comes to figuring things out...but there's never any confidence i'll find a penny, just hope...and determination...and those two roads hope and determination can be slow travelled, nerve wracking, anxiety inducing tumultuous experiences....not to be dramatic.
I'm just constantly upset at my decisions in life and wishing things would be better (when im in this state) and im telling myself right now as i type this, you should go get some water, it's just a state of mind, one day you'll invent a system of self care that minimizes these experiences and have back up's in place to pull you out of them when they DO happen maybe, im hopeful for this to happen but fricken right now it's happening and im miserable, i have a whole life of new - better choices to make that needs doing and it's gonna be a long road to travel...that will take time and there are no guarantee's or assurances, it's a gamble it feels to me. Idk im just rambling because i feel like shit.
I want out of this feeling, i hate this feeling so much, im desperate, i have all of these horrible thoughts, anger inducing, pain, dark thoughts when im like this...i feel hopeless and like i can't escape, everything's going wrong, nothing's going right, i have no one to be here for me, im in a really dark hole right now mentally