afaddd
Execution Flow Analyzer
2
MONTHS
2 2 MONTHS OF SERVICE
LEVEL 1
200 XP
Imma try to keep it brief as possible cuz I’m practically just venting to total strangers in this context. I currently have no direction in my life, i was making good money hustling towards the end of the previous decade.
In 2020 i had a myriad amount of health problems which lasted into early 2022 completely breaking the foundation of my self, and I’ve just been struggling to pick up the pieces ever since. Most of my friends never truly treated me the same ever since i was AWOL because of those problems, like we’re still close ish but it’s nothing like how it was before.
I used to be extremely financially oriented but they never connected with me on that level again. I keep reflecting on all the opportunities i missed out on and the mistakes i could’ve helped them avoid. I don’t even feel like I’m money motivated anymore like i need money but i absolutely give no fucks about it and have no desire to continue chasing it, and at the same time i can’t find anything i genuinely enjoy doing in my life, i just keep forcing myself to do things i feel like i might enjoy in an attempt to be productive but nothing works out. Soon it’ll be four whole ass years of me being stuck in the same situation I’ve been in, and still nothing motivates me.
I used to struggle with severe depression and wanted to kill myself since before i even knew what depression was, i started smoking weed as a teen and continued to do so daily for years because it prevented me from feeling that way.
Couple years ago i realized my life is great and i no longer feel that way, outside from the despair of the state of the world (corrupt governments, corrupt corporations, climate change practically guaranteed to reach an apocalyptic level within our lifetimes) but all of those things cannot be changed. I wanted to quit smoking to optimize my brain development and it took two years of conflict within myself to truly get over the addiction to weed, and the entire time during my health issues i was playing video games to pass the time & escape from reality & keep in touch with friends all at the same time. I still experience trauma response patterns from my younger days, but because of all my drug use I’ve forgotten majority of the suffering i experienced, I’ve lost my childhood roots and my teenage foundation. My dopamine receptors are fried to shit because of both of those things, and it’s taking fucking forever for my referral to a mental health clinic to come through, and I’m at the age where i can feel the rapid brain development slowing down.
Ever since 2020 I’ve started to subconsciously hate myself again. I keep trying to care about myself and sometimes i do feel an inkling of love towards myself, but who i am now isn’t even a shadow of who i used to be, it’s like a completely different person and i hate myself so much for that. I feel like my friends can see that too, and they’ve been distant because they don’t fuck with the person I’ve turned into either. Nothing i do to change my life pans out, i can’t even maintain a sleep schedule let alone a daily routine. I constantly feel hollow and feel like I’m not even in control of myself because of how weak I’ve become. The only thing of significance I’ve successfully been able to do is to quit smoking weed. At this point i genuinely don’t know what the fuck to do, I’ve never felt more lost in my life, both externally and internally. I don’t even know why the fuck I’m posting this, but at least it’s something i guess.
In 2020 i had a myriad amount of health problems which lasted into early 2022 completely breaking the foundation of my self, and I’ve just been struggling to pick up the pieces ever since. Most of my friends never truly treated me the same ever since i was AWOL because of those problems, like we’re still close ish but it’s nothing like how it was before.
I used to be extremely financially oriented but they never connected with me on that level again. I keep reflecting on all the opportunities i missed out on and the mistakes i could’ve helped them avoid. I don’t even feel like I’m money motivated anymore like i need money but i absolutely give no fucks about it and have no desire to continue chasing it, and at the same time i can’t find anything i genuinely enjoy doing in my life, i just keep forcing myself to do things i feel like i might enjoy in an attempt to be productive but nothing works out. Soon it’ll be four whole ass years of me being stuck in the same situation I’ve been in, and still nothing motivates me.
I used to struggle with severe depression and wanted to kill myself since before i even knew what depression was, i started smoking weed as a teen and continued to do so daily for years because it prevented me from feeling that way.
Couple years ago i realized my life is great and i no longer feel that way, outside from the despair of the state of the world (corrupt governments, corrupt corporations, climate change practically guaranteed to reach an apocalyptic level within our lifetimes) but all of those things cannot be changed. I wanted to quit smoking to optimize my brain development and it took two years of conflict within myself to truly get over the addiction to weed, and the entire time during my health issues i was playing video games to pass the time & escape from reality & keep in touch with friends all at the same time. I still experience trauma response patterns from my younger days, but because of all my drug use I’ve forgotten majority of the suffering i experienced, I’ve lost my childhood roots and my teenage foundation. My dopamine receptors are fried to shit because of both of those things, and it’s taking fucking forever for my referral to a mental health clinic to come through, and I’m at the age where i can feel the rapid brain development slowing down.
Ever since 2020 I’ve started to subconsciously hate myself again. I keep trying to care about myself and sometimes i do feel an inkling of love towards myself, but who i am now isn’t even a shadow of who i used to be, it’s like a completely different person and i hate myself so much for that. I feel like my friends can see that too, and they’ve been distant because they don’t fuck with the person I’ve turned into either. Nothing i do to change my life pans out, i can’t even maintain a sleep schedule let alone a daily routine. I constantly feel hollow and feel like I’m not even in control of myself because of how weak I’ve become. The only thing of significance I’ve successfully been able to do is to quit smoking weed. At this point i genuinely don’t know what the fuck to do, I’ve never felt more lost in my life, both externally and internally. I don’t even know why the fuck I’m posting this, but at least it’s something i guess.