makii2018
Anime Art Critic
2
MONTHS
2 2 MONTHS OF SERVICE
LEVEL 1
300 XP
:pepothink: im having trouble overcoming my recent denial phase from the shock of my discovery - combined with the influence of others disbelief and ignorance to my situation it's been difficult to bolster my spirits against the overwhelming desire to avoid dealing with this situation.
Essentially my mother corrupted my interpretation of social que's - body language - facial expression - tones of voice - so that they conveyed, intimidation, hostility, abuse, judgment, danger, resentment, hatred, anger
For the vast majority of communication i interpret from other people - it's all i see when i look at them - and i've learned to co-exist with it - but having spent nearly 2 decades in this reality it's been pure turmoil coupled together with despair and agony - i've gone through so much hell...i've lost so many relationships and made so many enemies...
I have so much guilt - regret - hatred to deal with
The most cursed part of this is - it's not just other people i interpret this communication as - if i think someone makes a certain face - means hate - if i make that same face it means the same thing to me - and so in a way it's all i've ever experienced -
It doesn't sound possible - but there's been a wall between me and other people - built by pain and suffering - defenses built up - to protect me from them
Also kept me from being capable of hearing them speak into reality - their intent for different interpretation of their communication signals
People tell me all the time they never meant to hurt me - but - when they do it - i see them saying that - in such a hateful - spiteful - resentful manner it's almost aways too difficult for me to listen after all im feeling attacked - which is twisted - that someone - can be speaking words meant to disarm me - but be doing nothing but hurting me and instilling fear and anger in doing so -
What hope is there for me to grow out of this - when i've been incapable of seeing their words as - anything but hateful
One thing is for certain it cannot be relied upon - for my interpretation of communication to be trusted - im unwilling to attribute - the interpretation of communication necessary for healing and recovery on my own recently - all my life really - i've been just incapable of it - so many conversations wasted with me nodding and pretending that everything would be fine - laughing - smiling - hugging people - all the while internally despising and resenting them completely
But after all i'm not a bad person - you can only endure so much conflict and spite between myself and others before you stop wanting to experience and begin doing everything in your power to disarm and dissuade it from taking place.
Nobody understands how much effort - i've put into - disarming and preventing pain and hurt and suffering
I know that all i've been doing recently was talking about rape and murder and yelling at people - part of me wants to break the news that that's my interpretation of reality - when people speak to me it's intense and extremely hateful to me - and i can't rely on people to be understanding so i never tell them something like that.
I want so desperately to stop seeing people as such hateful creatures - it feels like it's something i cannot even attempt to try - because i cannot trust anybody - it is not completely unreasonable for me to be unwilling to attempt to trust people - when nobody - NO ONE has earned my trust before - I've never had a - foundation of trust to build off of - based on my experiences with other people - all i've ever known for as long as i can remember is anger and hatred and resentment and spite - im by myself - surrounded with enemies - people - chomping at the bits to attack me - people that would take the slightest opportunity of my vulnerability to snip at me and hurt me - in spite of them relentlessly speaking i shouldn't be such a person simultaneously
Sometimes i feel like i could go absolutely insane thinking about the complicated ways my social perception has affected me all my life - it terrifies me to think about how this could change - when i begin interpreting communication differently from others - i get a mixture between so many feelings - ego - powerlessness - no trust still - i can't see anything good happening
But it will be nice to not see - hate and anger at every turn of my corner - to not feel like im imposing that presence on others and to not feel others imposing that presence and feeling on me - to not have to watch my surroundings and constantly anticipate such hateful encounters to assault me- to never again live in persistent fear of it or allow it to drown me in uncertainty and darkness or feeling hopeful
For every time i speak words - to not feel a cacophony of people around me - being so hurtful at my every thought and emotion -
It brings me great joy and hope to imagine what my life will be capable of - once i break out of this prison of my feelings and emotions -
Sometimes i wonder what i should do with the opportunity - should i maintain my disconnect from other people and simply begin projected intention into them that enables me to live my life to fullest in reality - or should i continue to try and allow people to influence my interpretations of their communication - trusting them to build a perspective of them and feel influence that's productive to me or something
I do not see how it's possible for me to trust anybody - i can't believe how much im going to be aware of in terms of change and growth in myself when i finally step out of this - prison of chaos - turmoil - aggression - fear and anger
Im worried i might become an aggressor to people in the world - people i've found are often more - risk oriented when allowing others to influence them - all i feel is power when people allow me to influence them emotionally - i feel control and safety - but i never allow myself to feel too much connectedness
Which as far as i've been instructed is wrong - but then think about the man it would enable me to become - and i don't like him - but i like what he does - a big ego - adored by people following and expending energy for his purposes
Like elon musk - the aspie legend inspiring us all - what cold calculating humans are capable of accomplishing
_
I've long pondered what my existence would become when i broke out of my prison of cruelty and turmoil
I likened it to that of a lion stepping into a pen full of sheep - from what i've gathered/ascertained about people in reality is that in comparison to my experiences in life they are - liken to that of a sheep by comparison
Essentially my mother corrupted my interpretation of social que's - body language - facial expression - tones of voice - so that they conveyed, intimidation, hostility, abuse, judgment, danger, resentment, hatred, anger
For the vast majority of communication i interpret from other people - it's all i see when i look at them - and i've learned to co-exist with it - but having spent nearly 2 decades in this reality it's been pure turmoil coupled together with despair and agony - i've gone through so much hell...i've lost so many relationships and made so many enemies...
I have so much guilt - regret - hatred to deal with
The most cursed part of this is - it's not just other people i interpret this communication as - if i think someone makes a certain face - means hate - if i make that same face it means the same thing to me - and so in a way it's all i've ever experienced -
It doesn't sound possible - but there's been a wall between me and other people - built by pain and suffering - defenses built up - to protect me from them
Also kept me from being capable of hearing them speak into reality - their intent for different interpretation of their communication signals
People tell me all the time they never meant to hurt me - but - when they do it - i see them saying that - in such a hateful - spiteful - resentful manner it's almost aways too difficult for me to listen after all im feeling attacked - which is twisted - that someone - can be speaking words meant to disarm me - but be doing nothing but hurting me and instilling fear and anger in doing so -
What hope is there for me to grow out of this - when i've been incapable of seeing their words as - anything but hateful
One thing is for certain it cannot be relied upon - for my interpretation of communication to be trusted - im unwilling to attribute - the interpretation of communication necessary for healing and recovery on my own recently - all my life really - i've been just incapable of it - so many conversations wasted with me nodding and pretending that everything would be fine - laughing - smiling - hugging people - all the while internally despising and resenting them completely
But after all i'm not a bad person - you can only endure so much conflict and spite between myself and others before you stop wanting to experience and begin doing everything in your power to disarm and dissuade it from taking place.
Nobody understands how much effort - i've put into - disarming and preventing pain and hurt and suffering
I know that all i've been doing recently was talking about rape and murder and yelling at people - part of me wants to break the news that that's my interpretation of reality - when people speak to me it's intense and extremely hateful to me - and i can't rely on people to be understanding so i never tell them something like that.
I want so desperately to stop seeing people as such hateful creatures - it feels like it's something i cannot even attempt to try - because i cannot trust anybody - it is not completely unreasonable for me to be unwilling to attempt to trust people - when nobody - NO ONE has earned my trust before - I've never had a - foundation of trust to build off of - based on my experiences with other people - all i've ever known for as long as i can remember is anger and hatred and resentment and spite - im by myself - surrounded with enemies - people - chomping at the bits to attack me - people that would take the slightest opportunity of my vulnerability to snip at me and hurt me - in spite of them relentlessly speaking i shouldn't be such a person simultaneously
Sometimes i feel like i could go absolutely insane thinking about the complicated ways my social perception has affected me all my life - it terrifies me to think about how this could change - when i begin interpreting communication differently from others - i get a mixture between so many feelings - ego - powerlessness - no trust still - i can't see anything good happening
But it will be nice to not see - hate and anger at every turn of my corner - to not feel like im imposing that presence on others and to not feel others imposing that presence and feeling on me - to not have to watch my surroundings and constantly anticipate such hateful encounters to assault me- to never again live in persistent fear of it or allow it to drown me in uncertainty and darkness or feeling hopeful
For every time i speak words - to not feel a cacophony of people around me - being so hurtful at my every thought and emotion -
It brings me great joy and hope to imagine what my life will be capable of - once i break out of this prison of my feelings and emotions -
Sometimes i wonder what i should do with the opportunity - should i maintain my disconnect from other people and simply begin projected intention into them that enables me to live my life to fullest in reality - or should i continue to try and allow people to influence my interpretations of their communication - trusting them to build a perspective of them and feel influence that's productive to me or something
I do not see how it's possible for me to trust anybody - i can't believe how much im going to be aware of in terms of change and growth in myself when i finally step out of this - prison of chaos - turmoil - aggression - fear and anger
Im worried i might become an aggressor to people in the world - people i've found are often more - risk oriented when allowing others to influence them - all i feel is power when people allow me to influence them emotionally - i feel control and safety - but i never allow myself to feel too much connectedness
Which as far as i've been instructed is wrong - but then think about the man it would enable me to become - and i don't like him - but i like what he does - a big ego - adored by people following and expending energy for his purposes
Like elon musk - the aspie legend inspiring us all - what cold calculating humans are capable of accomplishing
_
I've long pondered what my existence would become when i broke out of my prison of cruelty and turmoil
I likened it to that of a lion stepping into a pen full of sheep - from what i've gathered/ascertained about people in reality is that in comparison to my experiences in life they are - liken to that of a sheep by comparison